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10:54pm 06/01/2005

In the year 2005 I resolve to:

Start a cult.

Get your resolution here


(where do we go from here?)

04:29pm 13/11/2004
mood: indescribable
can you tell me why?

its what I've been searching for.

I need a lot of love, or an even larger amount of drugs, to bring me out of this mood. this rut.

this godforsaken lifestyle.

I want to be pure again. I wonder what an overdose of cocaine feels like.

(1 speak slow love | where do we go from here?)

I prefer the weakerthans and so cower compared to you   
05:42pm 10/11/2004
mood: bored
today I decided school was not a good idea, so I declared a holiday, and it feels like boredom.

I accomplished nothing today. except updating this demon of a web service. today I am filled with a certain amount of contempt for myself.

greenish-brown female sheep.

(where do we go from here?)

living my life   
02:35pm 09/11/2004
mood: numb
sometimes I wish you'd just say something. let me know how it really is, and out of this misery that is show business.

I constantly test myself on emotional and mental strength, these games are damaging to my health. I'm distant because I'm strong enough to be.

(where do we go from here?)

writers block   
09:55pm 03/11/2004
  I'm a fucking idiot. it will do you all well to realize this now.

I feel wrong today. I'm not sure what that means. but thats all I have to offer for now.

did I tell you the one about the star
that turned out to be a plane?
and how I followed it from place to place,
just to see where bright lights could lead.
did I tell you I traveled so far
that the only place I've never been
is where I really want to be.

the only sight I've never seen
is a close examination of the stars I could never reach.
so I thought of the next best thing,

and ended up at your front door
staring down at steps.
ignoring the need for someone to confide in,
I pictured constellations in my head
and silently begged you to come out from hiding
and spend your time staring up with me.

I found myself sick with a silence
that was supposed to plead with you
in a sad attempt to convince your eyes to follow if I started walking.

because maybe this time
I won't be oblivious to disguise
and so not mistaken.
and with your help
I can spot the star
that could bring us home.

(where do we go from here?)

10:12pm 02/11/2004
  because it is only poetry keeping me here.

"I speak for the girl who knows which way
to turn the razor at a wrist"

(where do we go from here?)

09:43pm 02/11/2004
mood: thoughtful
and I thought I could push this down, make it go away.

just know I'm trying okay? and I will until you tell me it's fine to feel this way.

(where do we go from here?)

"Where were you while we were getting high?"   
10:12pm 31/10/2004
mood: tired
whats up with setting the clocks back with out informing me? I so could have gotten an extra hour of sleep without feeling like I was wasting the whole day.

last night was shit. I shouldn't have left to get high, which is basically the only reason I did leave. the chance to get fucked up. which I did. and then regretted. because melinda also got high and she can't handle highs and I had to handle it for the both of us. but I guess it wasn't that bad, it gave me plenty of time to think about just about everything. something good must come out of everything. how fucking redundent am I today?

I wonder why I have special rules with her. or why I'm allowed to break the rules rather.

I wonder if she ever wonders what it would be like. if the thought has ever crossed her mind.

she makes my life feel so much less hectic. its comforting to be around. I wonder if thats what being tired in a good way means.

"The Popes piss is like holy water"

new marketing concept: hollow clear mini Popes filled with shit, call it Holy Shit. I'm telling you. I see MILLIONS.

so this years halloween felt just like any other day. I like that. kind of like how I don't like you.

so go away.

no, seriously.

(1 speak slow love | where do we go from here?)

your mama   
11:34pm 27/10/2004
mood: at the moment
how hot is it that Kym can now tap into my thoughts with the help of nothing more than a double mouse click and webaddress? so hot.

livejournal is the devil.

fuck you bitches.

oi. she's still cute though. hey kym, guess what, you're still cute!

so glad I deleted that last entry.

(where do we go from here?)

11:04pm 24/10/2004
mood: exhausted
The Grudge tonight with Melinda. actually had some fun, some laughs, some time away from things.

I wanted to get this CD for the scenester though, and that failed. I'll get it tomorrow though. she's real cool and deserves some attention with all the shit she's going through, so its the least I can do. I really hate that Holly doesn't realize what she has in her. it pisses me off and I don't even know the girl. I assume she's awesome having the scensters love, but she's taking it for granted. which is fucked, I mean think about it, the scenester is really good to people she cares about and oh wait, she's got a lip piercing. I'm sure the sex rocks. Holly is dumb. holly if you ever get the chance to read this, YOU'RE DUMB. ha. I'm glad I made the scenester talk to steph and I when I saw her in class that day, even though she was really only excited to be talking to stephanie, cuz stephanie is hot, but still, the scenester is a cool kid and everyone should go out and buy her a present NOW! because she says really witty things and looks all cute with her lip peircing.


the rest of this journal has been edited because the webmaster is...well...an idiot.

who would have thought, right?

(2 speak slow loves | where do we go from here?)

where am I? and who are these people surrounding me?   
10:04pm 21/10/2004
mood: restless
tonight was weird. my head is weird. my thoughts are driving me crazy. I need someone to quiet them and decide for me.

you cannot fix a situation while you are drowning in it. I need a reprieve

I need a new love. I want her to be it.

but do I really?

a kiss that means nothing tastes like stale air. vital but not refreshing.

I'm really fucking sorry. it was just too strange. I need something I can feel. like sometimes, when I write, some strange urge comes over me and I want to stab then pen through my hand, inject just the right amount of emotion into the ink.

like lately, when we're lying in bed I wonder if she can feel the thoughts and hyper sensitive emotions pulsing through my bloodstream. I wonder if she can hear the cries when her head is so close to my heart.

(1 speak slow love | where do we go from here?)

years go fast but the days go so slow   
09:24pm 20/10/2004
mood: confused
Today was not as lame as other days, which is by far an achievement, I think. finally got to spend some time with Amanda. recited poetry to Kym and got to sleep next to her again. "you're hypnotizing" sigh, what does *that* mean?

The Elaboration Of Confusion

most of my time
is spent tripping over conflicting mental realizations
because I've not yet learned the art of balance.
but I'll blame this on the thoughts whose presence
do nothing more than keep me aware of the fact
that yes, I am still thinking
contemplating dreams of all the actions I've held back
what thoughts would your mind let leak if I told you
this means the world to me?

and look at me so good at rambling
so eloquent with thoughts that I cannot seem to make sense of
such a burden
but the only clear conclusion seemingly available
is stop.
but, I can't.
you see I want to shed this skin,
say, "this is real stripped down to raw, what does it take to make you feel?"
if only I could perfect the art of disappearance.
rip myself away from the involuntary theater of closed eyelids
and these reoccurring thoughts of

but you keep coming back
and with you comes the continuation of failing to realize
that you hands are the messengers
of your eyes,
which are still dark,
and unable to be defined let alone deciphered

what I said was:

what do you want?
I said you'll have to teach me what this touch means
because I never thought to take up palm reading
and maybe also I am not the only one
with a smile based on lies
that only for you will tell no untruths
except when humoring
our friendship.

(where do we go from here?)

so she said   
02:59pm 19/10/2004
mood: tired
today, all my smiles are lies.

(where do we go from here?)

10:26pm 18/10/2004
mood: blank
I hate the things I say and do. fuck me, with so many lessons surrounding my head like cartoon birds you 'd think I could do more than just acknowlede their existence and actually grab onto and learn one.

okay. I'm done with this stupidity now. the thought is gone.

(in translation, this post means)

RiotNotQuiet523: I need to teach myself to be a friend.
eosleo: I hate that shit.
RiotNotQuiet523: yeah?
eosleo: Realizing that you have no chance?
RiotNotQuiet523: exactly.

(where do we go from here?)

spread the lovin my way...   
10:12pm 17/10/2004
mood: lonely
my entire 3 day weekend off of school was eaten whole by Kym. which is to say, I spent basically every minute of it with her, and it still sucked hardcore straight edge dick coming home. I hate what it is that people insist on calling home. I would feel much more contentment inside if only I didn't have to return here at all and could have just continued spending time with her. but, I guess I kind of did miss the haven of my room, and my bed. I like being able to sleep in my own bed.

friends. sigh.

can I tell you she is perfect to sleep next to? how beautifully she wraps her arms around you when she cuddles up close and how unbelievably comfortable and natural it seems at all time. I did not, want to leave her bed. talking in your sleep is cute too.

but it was just sleeping, okay. nothing else. it didn't mean anything. she's affectionate with everyone.

thats what I tell myself over and over to replace the thoughts of attraction. truth sucks.

I'd say what we did all weekend, but we didn't do anything except deprive ourselves of sleep, and then sleep a lot ot make up for it. oh, and have Richard drive us around, listen to Sublime repeatedly and...do search and finds! oh yeahh.

I miss her. she is fun to be with. but just to set the record straight.. I'm extremely attracted to her, *not* obsessed, okay?

fine, don't believe me.

you are dismissed. go away now.

(where do we go from here?)

"and I have no luck with girls..."   
03:30pm 14/10/2004
mood: confused
This whole Kym thing has me thinking too much about things I shouldn't be thinking about because they don't matter and hot damn I love run on sentences yeah.

when I say this "Kym thing" I mean like...it wouldn't be a fucking thing if it didn't seem like it should be. fuck my reputation.

I LIKE HER. okay you fuckheads. I like her a lot. but I'm not going to try and push anything .. she has a boyfriend..sort of. and. she knows I like her. so, she definitely has the chance to step up and start something if she wants to. and so I'll leave that up to her. because yeah. damn. we can just be friends right? I can just be a friend. I DO KNOW HOW TO BE A FRIEND. I think. maybe.....
she once said "I like him because he doesn't use friendship as a sign for sexual activity" well damn. I do NOT want to be like the boys. but...whimper...whine...she's cute. and interesting. I like people with thoughts and stories and emotion and an artist temperment doesn't hurt certainly doesn't hurt. A mind of your own is sexy.

I think the big thing is... I was feeling so damn lonely before I started talking to her. nevermind all my friends. I wasn't so much connecting with anyone, and suddenly I see this girl and she's cute and oh damn, she has to be so damn awesome to talk to. and then the loneliness starts to shrivel up and die. and of course, it's replaced by the need to be...closer. sigh.


so this is what my mind has been wrapping itself around for the past 2 weeks. and I feel bad because I am sort of putting off some of my friends just to spend time with her. but. I can't...help it. and I think they understand. it'll all work out though. yeah. I will fix this. somehow. I will force this crush away if I have to. though I hope I don't, I'm willing to.

my feelings lie with Bacon at this moment though. I hope I don't get my heart broken.

(1 speak slow love | where do we go from here?)

11:35pm 02/10/2004
mood: contemplative
Dear Balitmore,
I hate you today. Fuck you and your shady crack dealers and your weak-ass pot! I'm leaving you for some B.C Bud.

Heroin Chic

She reminds me of dead leaves in the fall
the sad beauty of the trees
with outstrectched arms, longing for what they've lost.
she is the crisp air and dried folage
that always crumbles too soon,
even with careful hands and a tender embrace.

I;m not sure what to make of such a cold creature,
except I think I might make her a warm glass of milk
and tell her to not be so afraid of sleep,
that the season will not pass without her.

I want her to know,
that not all warmth breeds fire
and even then not all fire burns in an attempt to destroy.
but her eyes are as sad and clear as winter
and when she sleeps beside me
her breath still chills my back.

I wish I had something worth saying, oh no wait, I just wish I had something to say, period. but I don't, and do you know why? because I did absolutey nothing today and it was not fun.

scenester girl, fuck holly, or whatever her name is, come love me.
just kidding. I could never be *that* forward. or could I? ooh the mystery of it all.

(2 speak slow loves | where do we go from here?)

fuck bitch ass cunt   
07:44pm 01/10/2004
mood: frustrated
I have no life. it fled with my last arrest, and I want it back, and I want it back NOW. goddamn. fuck a mother fucker who keeps me locked in.

anyway, worst thing I heard today:

first boy: my girlfriend is losing weight
second boy: I bet you're happy about that
first boy: I told her I didn't care either way, big or small...
second boy: you can still slap her around, right? har har har

yeah, it wasn't funny. it was said in a very asshole-ish tone and I wanted to slap *him* for saying it.

so School is lame. but it is my only social interaction, so it will just have to do for now. at least I have good books to read during class and the 5 minute intervals are filled with lots of good hugs from Ashley Lee. even though I don't like hugs much.

over and out.

ps. I need a damn girlfriend, anyone interested in applying for the position should feel free to give me a call.

(where do we go from here?)

06:54pm 30/09/2004
mood: high
I have hereby given in to the social handicap that is livejournal.

I shall rot in hell for this. if not for my shameful encounters with women.

that is all, class dismissed.

(where do we go from here?)